Momming

I'm not an Alpha mom ... I might be close on instances, though, I'll admit.  I do find this poem hilarious Alpha or not:

Goodnight Nanny-Cam from The New Yorker:

In the great green-certified room
There was a smartphone
And a silver spoon
And a picture of—

A high-contrast, brain-stimulating black-and-white moon
And there was a musical concert by Baby Mozart

And high window guards
And French flash cards

And a fireplace safety gate
And toys without phthalate

And a sterilizer and bottle brush and bowl full of organic mush
And a bilingual nanny who was whispering “hush”

Goodnight room
Goodnight recycled baby wipes with no perfume

Goodnight high-contrast black-and-white moon

Goodnight baby monitor
And the nanny-cam

Goodnight French flash cards
Bonne nuit petit canard

Goodnight non-slip socks
And goodnight sustainable-wood blocks

Goodnight friends with unique, unusual names
And goodnight brain-development games

Goodnight digital archive of baby’s first years
And goodnight Doctors Karp, Leach, Ferber, and Sears

Goodnight wipes warmer and yoga mat, HEPA filter and sun hat,
Sunscreen, sunglasses, sleep sack, outlet cap, sleep coach, G &T coach, star charts, consumer reports,=
Vitamin D, anything with Omega-3, French au pair, filtered air and—

Goodnight alpha parents everywhere.
Illustration by Kris Mukai.